Assembling Together - Episode 24
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My name is Jennifer Holmes, welcome to Jen’s New Song. This is a podcast where we explore the intersection of faith and mental health. Maybe you struggle with depression or anxiety, maybe you have an official diagnosis or not, or maybe you just want to learn how to keep your mind healthy from a biblical perspective, no matter what, this podcast is for you.
In this season, we’ve been going through the one anothers of the Bible. I’ve been studying all the verses that tell us how to love one another well and also been having some conversations with people who can help us to love each other well in certain situations like infertility, chronic illness, or even how to love teenagers. I have loved this study so much and am learning a lot. Right after I started this series, covid hit. I wasn’t sure if a series on loving one another well would work during a time we were supposed to be social distancing, but as always, God knew exactly what He was doing and how much I would need these verses during this time.
This past week my news feed has been filled with Black Lives Matter protests and information. I stayed mostly quiet for a week to learn and listen to black voices. I also have to be honest and say I took some time off for my own mental health because I just couldn’t handle anything else. I know that is a privilege, but it was a necessary one. It’s hard for me to know how exactly to respond to another country’s heartache, since I’m Canadian and don’t fully understand what it is to live in the States, but I’m trying my best to listen and learn and to examine my own heart. I’m also proud to go to a church where my pastor released a statement about it and wasn’t afraid to tells us what the Bible says and to examine our own hearts. I really believe that black lives matter because we are all created in the image of God. And that is all I’m going to say about that because I am not black or American and racial reconciliation is not something I know enough about to teach you. But I’m happy to keep learning and growing in that area.
So that brings us to this week and this week’s podcast topic. I have to tell you, this weekend was the worst. I’ve been emotional, in a low place, this past week was one of the first where I didn’t have to go into the church to help with school stuff, and therefore I didn’t see other people besides my children very much. We’re in the middle of a kitchen reno and when my space is cluttered, my mind feels more so. By Saturday, I was feeling it - the need to hide under the covers and not come out. A social distancing walk with a friend helped, I worked on the yard for the first time this spring, and my husband made progress on the kitchen.
But by Sunday morning, I was in the pit. The darkness had come over me and I had this feeling of dread that I could not shake. I watched the Sunday morning service online with tears in my eyes the whole time and one thought kept running through my head - “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” After lunch, I laid down instead of walking with the family and I slept for three hours. This is highly unusual for me and I knew that it was a result of being in the pit. When I’m depressed, I can’t sleep at night but can sleep all I want during the day.
I woke up with crushing anxiety, feeling it physically in my back and in my breathing. I had trouble following the evening service and a part of me wanted to never watch online church again. I’ve been at the point where I’d almost rather give up the whole thing if I can’t have the real thing. After some dinner and watching Netflix for a while, I tried going to sleep. The darkness whispered to me, telling me that I should just give up. That there was no end in sight to the isolation I was feeling and that I wouldn’t survive it.
To say I was suicidal is too strong, but I was at the point where I was wondering if I should wake up my husband or call a friend. Instead, I was able to fall asleep by praying honestly, asking God for help, and repeating truth to myself.
Things looked better this morning, as they usually do, but I was still feeling down and still feeling out of words. What verse that said one another could capture how I felt this week, or could even hold my interest enough to write ten minutes of words about? But, I had flaked on putting out a podcast episode last week so I thought I better get to it. I was reading through my list, trying out a few ideas, when I went on Twitter. This is what all good writers do when we’re trying to get serious work done. Anyway, that’s when I saw the announcement. Our Premier announced that most of Ontario is opening up to the next stage. Pools, beaches, restaurant patios, hairdressers, groups of ten, all amazing news. Light at the end of the tunnel. But then I read a little further. Churches are now allowed to operate at 30% of their building capacity.
Tears rushed to my eyes. I ran upstairs to tell my kids. I texted all my friends. I told my pastor I was praying for him so he would have wisdom on how exactly to start the reopening process. I literally put on some of my favourite loud music and danced in the kitchen. I know that might put me in the borderline baptist category but these are unprecedented times after all.
When I had exchanged about 100 texts with people, left my sister a Marco Polo, and finished cleaning the kitchen, I went back down to my room and my computer to try to finally write this podcast episode. And the perfect verse nearly jumped off the page.
Hebrews 10:25
Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
As with all things in life, I never know how much I have or how much I need what I have until it is taken away. If you’ve been around for the past three and half years, you know how much my new church has helped me to heal, how it has been a place I’ve purposely built strong community, that it’s the place I work and serve, that it has meant the world to my children, and how I couldn’t love it more.
Does this mean my church is perfect, or filled with perfect people, or that I agree with every single thing all the time? Nope. But let me tell you, I love my church so much. And having worked so hard to make it a place I loved, it was heartbreaking to not be able to go there and be with my people.
Since that announcement earlier today, it feels like a dark cloud surrounding my soul has been lifted. Unless you’ve experienced depression or anxiety, you might think that sounds overly dramatic, but if you know, you know. I’m not sure if I’m completely out of the pit, but I can tell you that this news has made a world of difference. I don’t even know if I’ll be going to church this Sunday yet, but I do know that it’s coming, and I’m the better for it.
So why did this news make all the difference? Because we’re not meant to do this life alone. All this one anothering we’ve been talking about? It happens in the body of Christ, and while the body of Christ is not the building, it is made to assemble. Every Christian should be part of a local assembly where we meet together and this verse tells us that it is to encourage or exhort one another. Therefore, if we are not meeting the opposite happens. We become discouraged, isolated, alone. All the things I’ve been feeling for the past several months. I have great friends who have been doing their best, but months on end without being able to go to church is wearing on your soul. It’s not how God designed us and not how He designed the body of Christ.
Not only are we to not forsake it, but it says so much the more as the end draws near. The harder this world gets, the more Satan attacks us, the more wars and rumours of wars, the more we need our brothers and sisters. The more we need to feel part of the family, encouraged and exhorted. The more we need to hear the truth of God’s Word and to worship together. The more we need one another.
Beside these verses in my Bible, I have written, may I never forget what it is to long for church. And that is my prayer. That I will always want to assemble and exhort. Because I have an amazing family and I desperately need them.
Thank you for joining me today. I’m really excited about this series and hope you are too. If you’d like to hear from me more and get almost daily encouragement, I hope you’ll join me on Instagram or Facebook. Just search Jens New Song. You can find transcripts of these episodes on my website if you prefer to read the rest of the season. My website is jensnewsong.com I also have a free mini course available on there on the life of Elijah and what it teaches us about our mental health.
If you enjoyed todays episode and you’re excited about this series, would you forward this to a friend? It might be a great way to build community in your own church! And if you’re really excited, would you go leave a rating and review in iTunes? That’s how other people find the podcast. Or subscribe on YouTube so you don’t miss the next episode. Thanks everyone. Go love someone today!