On Sunday my mind starting going off the rails. It decides to do this once in a while. I have not found a pattern, or reasons, other than the obvious reason that I have Bipolar, I guess.
I haven’t decided when it was more terrifying. When I didn’t know what I had and I just tried to ignore it, or in the past six months, when I’ve known what’s going on and yet still can’t control it.
I’m not sure that if you’ve never experienced anything like it that I could explain it to you. Other than, maybe we all go a little off the rails sometimes? Maybe our thoughts run away with us and become difficult to control? Maybe I’m a little worse than others, but we could all relate?
The word that kept coming to my mind on Sunday is wrestle. I was trying so hard to wrestle my mind into submission. But I couldn’t think straight thoughts, I couldn’t pray for more than two seconds at a time, it was just racing with untruth. And it convinced my body to follow along. A day of suddenly becoming flushed and my heart racing and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I was able to stay away from full blown panic attacks, but wow, it was a day of wrestling.
And a little part of me wanted to quit. To just say, whatever. Why am I even fighting this battle? I can’t pray, I can’t think, I can’t sleep, I can’t win. I should just give up. How do I wrestle well when my own body is fighting against me?
But I couldn’t get the word wrestle out of my mind. These verses kept coming back to me.
Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth
We wrestle not against flesh and blood, the phrase made me pause, and if I’m super honest, it made me a little frustrated. Because I am wrestling against flesh and blood. My own flesh and blood. This is not a spiritual attack, it’s a problem in my actual brain. So how do I wrestle well, wrestle using the scriptures, wrestle using truth, when it is against flesh and blood?
Maybe your flesh and blood wrestling match is not against bipolar disorder, but it’s against depression, or cancer, or chronic illness, or pain. Where does a spiritual battle fit in? Are we excused from the spiritual battle because of the biological nature of our fight?
In a few days of thinking about this, I’ve realized that the battle being talked about in these verses is so much bigger than my Sunday of craziness. This is the battle for my whole life, my spiritual life. It is not lost in one day of my mind failing me.
But it is won in the day to day wrestling. The showing up every day, putting on the armour, fighting for my spiritual life in the middle of my flesh and blood trial. Reminding myself of truth.
Just because it is a biological fight, doesn’t mean I should discount the spiritual aspect of it. Because I am both. If I don’t wrestle my body, my spiritual life will fall apart in the end.
So wherever you are in your battle today, never discount the spiritual battle. Gird yourself with the truth, pray, be strong in the Lord, get your power from Him and wrestle. Wrestle hard. Wrestle well.