Today started off with a litany. And not a positive one either. This is the list I started making in my head.
I’m so tired.
Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal energy? Why do I always have to go up and then crash so hard?
Why did my husband have to start a new career when we were finally starting to be comfortable?
Why am I overweight and have to work out? (can you tell I’m sore from working out for the first time in forever? Also, I know why I’m overweight so I guess the real question here is, why can’t I say no to chocolate?)
Why do I have relationships with baggage?
Why can I never seem to pray as well as I’d like?
Why can’t I just figure out how to keep the dishwasher running without stacking two boxes in front of it every time just to keep the door closed? (true story)
I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. And I’m sure you could relate to some of the questions, and add others of your own.
Once I realized I was building such a substantial list, I told myself, “Jen, you need to start speaking truth to yourself.”
One problem though. All those things are true. I’m not a normal person, I do need to work out, I have baggage and my dishwasher really does drive me to the brink of insanity. So if I can’t tell myself truth to get out of this negative litany, what can I do?
And God whispered one word to me. Trust.
Of course I trust Him I thought. But then He continued.
Do you trust me? Do you trust me with your brain, with your health? Do you trust me with your finances and relationships? Will you continue in prayer, even when it’s hard? Do you trust me to give you the energy you need today?
Do you trust that what I have for you is best, even when it’s hard?
Do you trust me?
I have to answer yes. Of course I trust God. But then I had to ask myself if I was living like it today. Nope. I was not. I was tired and miserable and frankly, having fun listing all the things I didn’t like in my life today. My eyes were on myself.
Then God asked me to lift them up. To trust in Him, to depend on Him, to live with eternity in view. Some day it will not matter that my dishwasher drives me crazy. In the grand scheme of life, it does not matter now.
So today, I’m challenging myself to lift my eyes. To stop looking around me at the negative things, even though they may be true. And to trust God instead.