This past weekend was a little rough. If you know me in real life, you probably know that its coming up to a year since we moved to Barrie, completely changing everything about our lives. But this weekend, one year ago, started that whole process. And it wasn’t pretty.
It was hard and terrible and not an anniversary I wanted to celebrate.
And as it approached it seemed that every day it got a little harder to breathe. The weight of memories, good and bad, the weight of decisions made, decisions going forward, changes, all pressed down on me.
I kept thinking and thinking and over thinking until I finally realized that I hadn’t been praying about it. And so I started. And praying helped a lot. But what helped me the most, besides it finally being over, was controlling how much I was thinking about it. And what I was thinking about it. And how much control I was letting it have over me.
I had let this event, this anniversary coming, grow to this huge thing in my mind. Until it was all I thought about.
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; II Cor. 5:10
I’ve been repeating this verse to myself continually for years now. Like, a lot of years. As in, I have a very stubborn mind.
I finally realized that dwelling on the past and imagining worst case scenarios for the future was not helping me get through this weekend. Not that I made it through unscathed. For I did not. There was some talking, some tears. But I made it. And I can breathe. Because each day I’m trying to remember that I can ask the Holy Spirit to control my thoughts. I can bring them into captivity. I can make decisions about them.
And while its hard to let go of the feelings and the what ifs and all the thoughts, its so freeing when I do. When I trust in God to take all those things and make something beautiful out of them, I can breathe again. Its not about shoving them aside, or pretending that they don’t exist, its about bringing them into captivity. Putting them in their place.
Do you have any thought patterns that need to be brought captive? I have several! But memorizing this verse was one of the best things I ever did.