Today was my first day back at work in six years. And that was just a one year stint. I hadn’t worked for nine years before that. I was super excited - I even told you guys all about my new job. Until about two days ago. Last night I had nightmares. This always happens before a big event, so I was kind of surprised that I didn’t have more nights of them.
First, all the kids came to choir in sleeping bags, laid down on pews, and refused to participate. After I lost my mind on them, I finally got them to stand up and sing, only to see someone in the back with a checklist, slowly shaking his head. This man is a choir director at a church with a Bible college, who, by the way, I’ve had very little interaction with, ever. Can you feel me rolling my eyes at myself? Like my son said, at least it was so unrealistic I didn’t have to worry about it coming true!
Lo and behold, everything went perfectly fine today. There will still be a few kinks to work out, but for a first day, it was great. And I had so much fun.
So why, then, am I so anxious? And why do I feel as though someone is always there with a checklist, shaking their head?
I think its because I’ve always been a doer. I try so hard to just be. To be okay with that. But I never am. I’m always striving for other people’s approval. And mine. And I fall short of my own approval every day. The voices in my head are always chattering, always negative. Sometimes I allow this to become my identity - the woman who is perfectly capable and perfectly qualified to do her job, and yet deep down, believes that someone, somewhere is shaking their head and finding her wanting.
How do we combat the lies we tell ourselves? Its easy to just say, find your identity in Christ, harder to let it sink into our hearts. The only thing powerful enough to do that is scripture. Consider these verses…
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;
Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.
I Peter 2:9-10
We are chosen.
We are royal.
We are holy.
We are peculiar or belonging to God.
We show forth His praise.
And my favourite one of all
We have obtained mercy.
Its quite a list.
But if we could let its deep truth sink into our hearts, we could start to find our identity in Christ.
Notice this list doesn’t say anything about us.
Our job doesn’t make the list.
How clean our house is today doesn’t make the list.
That huge pile of laundry in my bedroom doesn’t matter.
If you failed today, if you sinned today, His holiness covers you.
If you feel alone, you are chosen.
No matter what, no matter the situation, there is mercy.