Do you ever feel like your soul is searching for home? Like you’re a little restless? I have been. I keep waiting for my house to feel like my home. I keep thinking if I could just get the main floor the way I want it. If I could only get Arianna’s room done - my hopeful project for this week - if I could just…then I’ll finally feel at home. But so far it hasn’t happened. I have pictures hung up, but still no warm fuzzy feelings. I bought some chairs to sit in the backyard, maybe that will help.
Then this week I had to take my kids to camp. I was kind of dreading having to go to the property again. I drove up and memories flooded, good and bad. I stood in the kitchen talking to the camp cook and fought back tears knowing I wouldn't be there during camp this week - this one that was my favourite of all. I looked over at the houses that I used to live in and felt a strange sensation. The one that tells you this used to be home, but you no longer belong here. This is not your home. My youngest daughter and I cried ourselves down the driveway.
We went and stayed at my moms that night and although we had a wonderful visit surrounded by family, its not my home either. I walked into my house this afternoon and had to admit, I don’t yet feel at home here either. I feel a little untethered.
I have a feeling that this has less to do with my actual house and more to do with my soul. In fact, the only place I feel perfectly at rest is at church. Because the only thing that hasn’t changed in my life is my core belief. My belief that no matter the circumstances, no matter where I live, no matter if my house is painted and decorated, no matter what, God is good. And He is working out everything for my good.
There’s a quote I found a little while back that I really loved - “It may not be well with my circumstances, but it is well with my soul”. I love that clarification. That it can be well with my soul no matter the circumstances. No matter if I don’t love my house yet. No matter if I still haven’t figured out this whole new life and who I am and where I fit in it. No matter if relationships are hard. No matter the pain, physical and emotional. My restless soul can always find its rest in God. That is where my real hope lies, my sense of belonging, my home.