There’s a quote by Ann Voskamp that’s been running through my head the last couple of days. Fear can be what we feel but brave is what we do

I can’t get it out of my head because its just what I need right now.  The boxes are mostly unpacked.  The kitchen is mostly organized.  I think I’ve recovered physically from the move.  The most important address changes are done.  So basically, its now time for this introvert to look for some community and find friends and get involved at church and all those other hard things.

I went to the same church for 28 years.  I’ve been on staff or practically on staff for many of them.  I could pay a bill, I knew how to get into every door, I knew where the extra toilet paper was.  I knew all the faces, all the events.  Now, I’m a part of this huge new church and I still haven’t figured out which back hallway gets me to the right part of downstairs yet.  Emma forgot her some of her homework last night and asked why we couldn’t just go back and get it.  Well, at this church, they lock the doors.  And they don’t announce the number to the keypad from the pulpit like our little church did.  Its a very odd feeling.

I’ve been trying to jump in and get involved and get to know people.  It was going really well until this morning.  For some reason, I started crying this morning and was having a difficult time stopping.  Then a friend from home texted and asked if I was homesick.  I didn’t think I was until after I answered and then realized that its finally hit me.  The finality of this transition.  My life completely and utterly changed in a matter of a few weeks and now I have to start rebuilding.  And I’m singing in the choir and making pot pies and going out for coffee but its hard and its scary.  And this morning the last thing to send me over the edge was my hair.

Can we just pause here for a moment and talk about this??  I left right before my last hair appointment.  Which is a tragedy because I absolutely loved my hairdresser.  She was the best.  So I missed my appointment and now my roots are really showing.  And I’ve never noticed how much grey there was before.  So I started asking around about good hairdressers.  And do you know what they say?  I’ll ask mine if she’s taking on new clients.  Um, pardon?  In Rodney you didn’t turn away clients.  There was no crazy talk of not being able to go to whichever hairdresser you chose.  And one lady told me to call hers because she was so reasonable and then she quoted me a price that was almost double what I paid in Rodney.  So, I’m sure you can see why this just pushed me right over the edge.

Well, I had my good cry, got up, put on my makeup, did what little I could with my hair at this point, drove to the church and got on this bus.  I desperately did not want to do this today.  I had no idea if there was anyone going I would know.  I’ve seen people I barely know every day for quite a few days now and that makes me tired.  And weepy, apparently.  But I went to a hospital and handed out muffins for a love works campaign.  And praise the Lord, out of the four of us, I knew two well and one lady whom I had met on Sunday.  We brought a lot of joy to staff and patients at the hospital.

And you know what I felt by the end of the afternoon after working through all that fear?  Brave.  And maybe still a little weepy.  But a lot more brave than I did this morning.

Feelings are real and fear is real and its ok to feel and to fear.  But its not ok to stay there.  So maybe today we can acknowledge our fear, but face it.  And do something brave.

Fear can be what we feel but brave is what we do